Survivor.

My husband and I are regrettably TV junkies. We caved and subscribed to Dish Network about two years ago when the digital switch happened and we were getting zero TV stations. We swore we weren't going to be those people that are always in front of the TV and that we mostly wanted a satellite to watch the news and PBS. Not so much. What I was denying to my husband and myself at that time was how much I LOVE TLC and basically everything on primetime NBC and how I'll never pass up a good Diners, Drive-ins, and Dives marathon.

We honestly don't watch hours and hours of TV a day, but we do watch about two hours of TV an evening, which seems like a lot to us. We have our favorites that we always DVR, like Project Runway, The Office, Biggest Loser, and several others. But, we get super passionate about Survivor. We both have been fans for a long time; I remember watching the very first season when I was in high school. We often have friends over to watch on Wednesdays and we pause the show to freak out and comment and vent about what's happening.

This season has a contestant on the show named Matt, who is a Christian. He is not crazy, which is how many Christians are portrayed, and in fact, act on television. He is genuine and honest and humble and I very much enjoy watching him play the game. Matt was blindsided on one of the first episodes and sent to a new fixture on the show, Redemption Island, where he remained for several weeks waiting to return to the game. When he finally returned, he was voted off and sent right back to Redemption Island. His opponents made him out to be naive and idiotic.

Another contestant on the show, Philip, is actually idiotic. He might be kind of crazy, or at least acts so. In last night's episode he claimed that he had a dream-vision of his deceased Cherokee grandfather telling him where his misplaced swim trunks were. And the next morning he went to where he was shown in the vision and found them.

During the season, many times I have been frustrated with how much trust Matt has put in our God and been seemingly let down. He says that he is playing only to honor his God and that he feels that God has him on the show for a reason and that when God wants him to leave, he'll do so obediently. But he has been so beaten down by hunger and discomfort and people lying to him and the craziness of a game being played for a million dollars. Last night I wondered as Philip, someone who has put his faith in his deceased ancestors, found what was lost, why Matt, who has put all of his faith and trust in our Almighty God, has been continually beaten down? Why hasn't God chosen to display his magnificence in this willing servant on national television in front of millions of viewers? Doesn't that seem like a good platform for Jesus?

At the end of the episode, a girl named Julie was sent home. As she was leaving she explained that she had no regrets about coming on the show, that her life had changed. That she had seen and heard Matt's story with God and couldn't wait to get back home and find a church and serve there.

And I almost cried. About silly Survivor. Because God is there. He is here. He is doing so much more in peoples' lives than I can see or understand. He is doing so much more than making Matt successful on Survivor. He is using our beat-down stories to change the people around us.

Simplicity.

My family and I are preparing to move in a few months. This is the only home I have known in my new little family's life. During my tenure in this home, I fought hard against being here. I had a hard time moving to a small town. And I had an incredibly hard time moving into my husband's life. For over three years, I almost literally did nothing in our home. I was soul-searching and got really icky feelings about being a little stay at home wife. So, my husband dutifully and without complaining tackled most of the laundry, dishes, and house cleaning alone, while I ventured around trying to figure out what I was going to do with my life that was meaningful.

It turns out, it was hard for me to find meaning anywhere. I wasn't willing to be happy doing the things that God handed me at the moment. God really tackled me at Lent this year. He kind of knocked me down on the ground and said, "We've got a lot of work to do- no more procrastinating." And we got to work straight away. In the last year, God has given me a beautiful new little daughter and put me at home for the time being. And I decided that I was going to be a dang good stay at home mom, because that was what God was calling me to do for the moment. Of course, I had no idea what that meant. What I did know was that I was often tired and stressed and overwhelmed just being in my home- so much so that I often chose to do nothing instead of doing something. And then God led me to Tsh Oxenreider's Organized Simplicity. And I would go ahead and say that my life has changed forever.

I've never really been a hoarder. I have always gotten immense pleasure from giving my living space a good cleaning out and purging the junk. It's just that I always had junk to purge. I love the philosophy behind Organized Simplicity that everything in your home, and life even, should be useful or beautiful. Tsh says that,

"You grow deeper in love with the things you choose to keep. Your kids love every toy they own. You'd gladly wear every pair of jeans in your closet. You like all the music in your CD collection."

I love the idea of loving everything you own. I had to let go of the "safety net" jeans that I never really loved, but kept in case my favorite two pairs were dirty or wore out. And the 50 CD's that each had one song on them that I liked. And the home decor that I didn't love, but that I had just bought, or was really expensive and it hurt to think of getting rid of it.

I've now been in the long process of de-cluttering and simplifying my home for about a month. It's slow-going with a now-crawling and pulling-herself-to-standing 10 month old. But, within about 2 weeks I knocked out the entire first floor of our home. And it felt amazing, mostly for the following five reasons:

1. I removed any container or piece of furniture that's specific duty was to hold stuff. For the first time in our marriage, our dresser is bare, save a few candles and an alarm clock. And I love it.

2. I look at only my favorite five to ten decorations in my living room every day. And it is beautiful and peaceful. All toys, books, movies, music, photo albums are behind closed doors or in boxes and the freedom from looking at so many items in a day really cuts down on the overwhelming feelings.

3. I bought almost nothing to help me organize and instead used containers and furniture I already had- just by moving them to another room.

4. Almost everything in my wardrobe is something that I would pull off the shelf and wear every day. I finally decided once and for all that I don't like 3/4 sleeved shirts, or millions of old "sentimental" t-shirts, and that I will never wear turtlenecks or scratchy sweaters.

5. Everything in our home has a place, and makes sense in the place it is in, and is easily returned to it's place during the after-dinner-straightening-up-for-relaxing time. Most of the things I kept, we use all of the time. We have very little excess, which, in light of moving, is a very good feeling. But even just for everyday life, I feel so light and free of stuff.

The most magical thing about simplifying is that it overflows into all other areas of your life. You save a lot of money, because simplifying causes you to really consider every purchase you make. You think a lot about the way you spend your time- making time for the things that matter and cutting out the things that don't. And who you spend your time with; spending time with people who feed your soul or who really need you and not with people who take advantage of you or bring you down.

Most importantly, I have felt God's pull on my heart in all of this. I have seen so many ways that over-complicating my home and life affects all other areas of my life and relationships. It sucks time away from things and people that matter, puts me in a tired, bad mood, and causes me to worry incessantly instead of trust God for his provision and be thankful for what He has given me. He calls us to a simplified life:

"I do want to point out, friends, that time is of the essence. There is no time to waste, so don't compicate your lives unnecissarily. Keep it simple- in marriage, grief, joy, whatever. Even in ordinary things- your daily routines of shopping and so on. Deal as sparingly as possible with the things the world thrusts on you. This world as you see it is on its way out."

first corinthians 7:29-31 MSG

If you are feeling tired, stressed, and overwhelmed, I would strongly encourage you to begin coming back to life by starting in your living space. God calls us to a life of simplicity, not out of asceticism or martyrdom, but because it is the most joy-filled life possible.

Words.

I often have trouble finding the words to express myself. I say things that aren't true. That don't describe me or a situation. I have trouble recounting what was said or what I read. All I can remember are feelings or the way something made me feel, but my mind goes blank when I reach for the words, like an infant desperate to communicate her needs, but lacking the vocabulary and physical ability to speak. I resort to hyperbole and exaggeration to fill the void and end up leaving conversations frustrated, thinking, "I don't actually think that," or, "that's not me at all." It can be truly heartbreaking. To feel misrepresented. Misunderstood. Betrayed by your own mouth and feeble mind.

God has been doing some crazy things in my life.

I hope to talk about a lot of them soon.

But, a real miracle has been feeling that God is speaking through me.

For example, my pastor will ask me a question and as the answer comes out of my mouth, I think, "Well said," or "Wow, this is profound." It's like I hear words coming out of my mouth, but someone else is saying them.

It comes out in all manner of convenient situations lately, like during arguments with my husband, where I am able to say exactly how I was hurt in a kind, "I statement" sort of way. But also in recounting really meaningful conversations with my mentor, or explaining how something I read in my bible impacted me, or one of the many things that God and I are working on.

If you have ever felt helpless or useless- a prisoner to your own incapabilities- you can imagine how it feels when the God of the universe displays his strength in your weakness. When you become less and He becomes greater, but you get to be the vessel of greatness. You do things that you didn't think possible, yet know that you can take no credit for it.

I am standing in awe of God lately.

That He uses me in ways that are so personal to me.

That He finds ways to display his love and power and infinite wisdom and greater plans for all of our lives in very intimate ways.